my sweetest darling, i can't believe that tomorrow is the first anniversary of your death. I really don't know how i have got through the year without you. I know that you are my guardian angel and you are keeping me safe. The pain hurts so much every day Andy, everyday i love you more and everyday my heart breaks a little more. They say time heals but i don't think it does, its just that somehow you learn to get out of bed in the morning and get through the day on auto pilot, always thinking of what you would be doing or saying to me and thinking of all the things you have already missed and things to come that you will miss also. I live with one big regret darling, well two really. One is that we never managed to get married before you died and the other is that i left you the night you were ventilated and by the time i got back to the hospital they had already done it and you were asleep. I never thought at that time you would never wake up but i always feel so upset with the thought that i wasn't there to tell you how much i loved you and hold your hand while they put you under. Before i had left the hospital that night you had told me how fed up you were and how you just wanted to go home. It was the nurses who told me to go home and you told me to go and get some rest. Earlier, on the day you went into hospital, when you woke up that morning you laid on the bed upstairs and i came up to tell you to get up as you had a doctors appointment and you said to me then that you were dying. I think you knew then your time had come as later that day you put your hand on my head and even in your severe pain and suffering you told me everything would be ok. When you died you had a smile on your face and i hope and believe that that was your lasting message to us that you were now at peace and suffering no more. I hope i am right on that. I know now that you are my guardian angel looking out for me everyday and keeping me safe, just as you did when you were alive. I love you more every day and my heart breaks more every day. Life is so lonely without you love. Each day i think what would you be saying to me at that minute or what would we be doing if you were still here. I think of the things you have missed and that we have missed since you died. You would even have been driving by now. Caitlin misses you ever so much as do my mum and dad. I speak to you every night and throughout the day, i just hope you hear me sweeetheart, i know if i ask for your help you always help me and answer my prayers whether it be wanting money to be ok or for my health to be ok to little things i ask you to do like finding the keys for me and stuff. Please never forget me darling and please wait for me and be there when i travel the road you have travelled. Until i meet you again i will never be at ease, i love you darling Andy xx